Big Plans - My Demands

Clearly, a very important characteristic for any band is the relationship that they will have with the venue host. I don't think I need to elaborate on how difficult it will be to get me to play in your major metropolitan centre...what is worth discussing in further detail, to give you time to prepare, are the list of demands that I will place upon the host before I will agree to play in your town.

1. Clean towels. I'll need no less than 50 clean towels available to me, on stage, for drying perspiration (I'm a hard working performer). If I use a towel and discard it, I will expect another towel presented to me within 7 seconds.
2. Backstage Betty's. I'm married and am quite happy, so I have no need for groupies. However, my traveling band will have a voracious sexual appetite and to prevent them from burning your city to the ground, you will need to ensure they are sated.
3. Full Entourage. As soon as our plan touches ground, I want to be surrounded by a full entourage, including a complete security unit. This will of course include licensed transportation, on call until we board our plane to leave.
4. 5 food groups. In order to have adequate energy for performing, I'll need a personal chef who can create no less than 20 meals consisting of chicken, pork, beef, lamb, and seafood.
   
5. Wet bar. I will require access to imported beers at all times. In the unlikely event that I will desire a different drink, the supplies for that will be present also.
6. Bar staff. I don't have time to open my own beer bottles or mix drinks; also, as a performer my hands are insured and often wrapped in protective gauze....I will require someone constantly on hand to open all of my beers. Each beer will be served in a new frosted mug, with each frosted mug that I use destroyed afterwards.
   
7. Hand fans. I dislike the heat and humidity. To ensure that I am not tired due to weather, please ensure that I have personnel available to fan me using authentic Japanese hand fans.
8. Irish Spring. Backstage, I will require a shower with front-and-back showerheads so that I don't get cold. It will be stocked with 3 unused bars of Irish Spring, and 7 fresh towels.
   
9. Mexicans. Everyone knows that things improve when you add Mexicans. Before a show, some Mexicans to hang with backstage will help to build my momentum.
   
10. REO Speedwagon. I require the song "Can't Fight This Feeling" by REO Speedwagon to be played backstage before the show. I will either cry or make fun of it, and this is none of your business.

If a single one of these items is missed or not performed to my expectations, I will wreak havoc on the venue, my hotel room, members of the supplied entourage, and the airport. If I make it as far as the stage before I recognize this failure by the host, I will perform a "Shannon Hoon" (ala Vancouver) on the crowd before leaving.

Thanks for your future cooperation. I look forward to doing business.