Big Plans - Rarities and B-sides

I can't believe I never thought of it before. I've been having a hard time because of simple anality. I'm busy with life, and don't have good time to commit to my music projects. That means getting to know my machines well, and creating innovative music with them.

Then I realized - all of my early projects will one day be worthy of an album unto themselves! The true fans eat that shit up! I'm talking not only about the hordes of backstage Betty's, but also the dudes who air-jam each song from the first album. You know the guys - the ones who resent me getting so damned popular. Well, they'll enjoy that rarities album, with the project songs.....you see, it gives insight into my thought process when I was beginning my craft. A few years of honing, working, perfecting.....the thought process of an artist of my caliber....captured in a rarities album....man, if the Grammy's weren't so political, you can bet that this album would warrant one. This album, with pages of liner notes and photos of me with my gear, will be a window into a world that my fans have oft wondered about. Working on this album now makes good sense. This is the 6th, 7th, or 8th album I think.

I think the first track that I'll send into the ether will be only the basis of a song. A building block. Some funky electronic drum rhythm with bass accompaniment. I think in the coming months, I'll be able to share some building blocks with the world. I doubt that these building blocks, alone, will stop the fighting in that faraway place - can't remember the name, but its a major war I think.....but it might be enough to motivate at least some young angry man....motivate him to also go away for a few years, honing his craft.... working.... perfecting..... following in my footsteps..... aspiring to greatness.... yeah. Rock on.

Big Plans - Rich's Plans

I have a neighbour with whom I witness and judge rock and electronica shows. Let's call him Rich.

Rich is very anal, like me. He works well with computers, can be alone and productive for extended periods of time, and has a lot of opinions. I like this about him. He also has a lot of opinions about what a band should be like, and I agree with each and every one of them. I would like to take this opportunity to expand on a subset of his opinions:

1. No roadie shall be employed to setup our equipment. We work with precision equipment that must be handled to our specifications. No employee could ever attain the level of perfection that we expect. As such, it is our duty, to ourselves, to personally carry our own guitars, synthesizers, amplifiers, and cables to and from our convoy of tour busses to the stage, and connect things in the appropriate manner. We take pleasure from this.
2. No way in hell will we ever charge the kind of prices that very old bands with magazines named after them charge for tickets. Sure, they have a few hits and have influenced a few bands, but is it really necessary to gouge the poor college students who worship us? The answer is no. No ticket shall cost more than $35.00 to our show. If we have to, we will play every night for 4 weeks at a single venue. Our fans are important to us.
   
3. Power down. Upon leaving the stage amidst deafening roars of applause, care must first be taken to power down all amplifying equipment. We paid good money for this fine equipment that we have come to love....we must treat it right. Plus, it is a signal to our ever-engaged audience that, yes, we will only perform 3 encores.
   
4. More is better. We like what the band Shout Out Out Out Out have done, with their cornucopia of bassy and drummy goodness, and we think that the more sound that you can throw at an audience, the more likely they are to discover a new god. That god will be us.
5. Turntables are cool. The people who we've witnessed dj-ing have done things that seem amazing. We don't currently understand what those things are, but we like them. We may contract someone to perform DJ work for us, but probably not until our 2nd or 4th album.
   

Rich is like me - he has potential, plans galore, but no time. One day we will collaborate on a project that will produce a miracle. I can see the Nobel Peace prize awarded and, depending on how much bass we put into our premier album, the Nobel Physics prize.

Big Plans - My Demands

Clearly, a very important characteristic for any band is the relationship that they will have with the venue host. I don't think I need to elaborate on how difficult it will be to get me to play in your major metropolitan centre...what is worth discussing in further detail, to give you time to prepare, are the list of demands that I will place upon the host before I will agree to play in your town.

1. Clean towels. I'll need no less than 50 clean towels available to me, on stage, for drying perspiration (I'm a hard working performer). If I use a towel and discard it, I will expect another towel presented to me within 7 seconds.
2. Backstage Betty's. I'm married and am quite happy, so I have no need for groupies. However, my traveling band will have a voracious sexual appetite and to prevent them from burning your city to the ground, you will need to ensure they are sated.
3. Full Entourage. As soon as our plan touches ground, I want to be surrounded by a full entourage, including a complete security unit. This will of course include licensed transportation, on call until we board our plane to leave.
4. 5 food groups. In order to have adequate energy for performing, I'll need a personal chef who can create no less than 20 meals consisting of chicken, pork, beef, lamb, and seafood.
   
5. Wet bar. I will require access to imported beers at all times. In the unlikely event that I will desire a different drink, the supplies for that will be present also.
6. Bar staff. I don't have time to open my own beer bottles or mix drinks; also, as a performer my hands are insured and often wrapped in protective gauze....I will require someone constantly on hand to open all of my beers. Each beer will be served in a new frosted mug, with each frosted mug that I use destroyed afterwards.
   
7. Hand fans. I dislike the heat and humidity. To ensure that I am not tired due to weather, please ensure that I have personnel available to fan me using authentic Japanese hand fans.
8. Irish Spring. Backstage, I will require a shower with front-and-back showerheads so that I don't get cold. It will be stocked with 3 unused bars of Irish Spring, and 7 fresh towels.
   
9. Mexicans. Everyone knows that things improve when you add Mexicans. Before a show, some Mexicans to hang with backstage will help to build my momentum.
   
10. REO Speedwagon. I require the song "Can't Fight This Feeling" by REO Speedwagon to be played backstage before the show. I will either cry or make fun of it, and this is none of your business.

If a single one of these items is missed or not performed to my expectations, I will wreak havoc on the venue, my hotel room, members of the supplied entourage, and the airport. If I make it as far as the stage before I recognize this failure by the host, I will perform a "Shannon Hoon" (ala Vancouver) on the crowd before leaving.

Thanks for your future cooperation. I look forward to doing business.